The Greatest Show on Earth

Clarence Clownsworth III

Clarence comes from a long line of circus clown chickens. One night, in the middle of his fuzzyball juggling act, a crazed human cannonball zombie soared into the ring and scared Clarence so bad that he froze in mid-juggle. His fuzzyballs are now stuck to him, but didn’t they land in a lovely pattern? 

Likes: hiding the ringmaster’s hat, fresh roasted peanuts, sneaking into the fat lady’s tent (she always has the best candy!). 

Dislikes: the flea circus, candy hangovers.

Hi. I’m Clarence. I like to juggle balls.

Leggy Lucinda

She’s got legs, and she knows how to use them. I’m just sayin’. 

Likes: Helping short people reach stuff at the store, whistles from roosters. 

Dislikes: the limbo, the back seat of a car, being called Amazon chicken.

Family Time with the Zoinks

Big Daddy Zoink

Big Daddy used to be principal at the Reform School for Deliquent Hens. (That’s where he met Mrs. Zoink.) Being zombi-fied by a student has mellowed him out considerably, but he does wish he could eat something besides brains every night for dinner. 

Likes: Tidy rooms, punctuality, crisp apple strudel. Dislikes: School board meetings, dull pencils, chicken-fried brains.

Hot Mama Zoink

Hot Mama Jones was caught throwing eggs at a raccoon stuck in the mud. She was sent to the Reform School for Delinquent Hens, where principal Big Daddy Zoink discovered that when she was very bad, she was actually very good (for him). So he plucked her out of the flock and married her, and she keeps his ego happy and his tummy full of brains.

Likes: Project Runway, taking her baby LambChop to the park, making jewelry. Dislikes: runs in her hose, jealous looks from other hens.

Baby LambChop Zoink

LambChop is the love chick of Big Daddy Zoink and Hot Mama Jones-Zoink. She wuvs her parents, but longs for the day when she is old enough to spread her wings and zombi-fy someone. 

Likes: Brain nuggets, ice cream, watching “Zombieland.” Dislikes: Hearing stories about the “old days” before her parents were zombies. How boring!

Call 1-800-Zombie

Henrí

Formerly named Henry, this cute little chick has a flair with floral arranging. Sometimes being zombi-fied brings out the artist in you. 

Likes: Tropical bromeliads, birds of paradise, Hawaiian weddings. 

Dislikes: Marigolds, bugs, plastic flower bouquets.

Hi. I’m Henrí. Let me do your wedding flowers.

Dancing Queen

Miss Priss

Prissy was the inspiration for Abba’s song, “Dancing Queen.” She’s not so young and sweet anymore, especially since being zombi-fied by KC’s Sunshine Band. “I’m Your Boogie Man” takes on a whole new meaning now. 

Likes: Margaritas, eating centipedes, getting down and shaking her booty. 

Dislikes: Last call, arthritis.

Hi. I’m Miss Priss. I’ll be your boogie babe.

I Give Love a Bad Name, Baby

Uh Richie, we need to talk.

TaiDai

Tai has mad air guitar skills. He is trying to get a private audition with Jon Bon Jovi. Tai just KNOWS if he can get his wing in the door, Jon would replace pretty boy Richie Sambora in a heartbeat. 

Likes: Giving love a bad name, groupies. 

Dislikes: Being slippery when wet, living in sin.

The Doctor is In

Zombie Pox

Dr. Zane Fox was the favorite doctor of all the hens in the coop. One day he was giving the chicks their turkey pox vaccinations, when a swarm of zombees stung him all over his body and did a Jeykll and Hyde number on him. Dr. Zane Fox is now Zombie Pox, and the chickens run shrieking from him. He is changing careers and will soon be a certified beekeeper. 

Likes: Corn on the cob, dancing the foxtrot, playing golf. 

Dislikes: winter, rainy days and Mondays, stewed tomatoes.

I’ve got your pox right here.

Clowns are Zombies, Too

Pinkeye

Pinkeye was studying hard at clown school when Jerry Lewis busted in and zombi-fied everyone in the class. Bad news: zombie chicken. Good news: instant clown suit. 

Likes: Cirque du Soleil, 

cotton candy. 

Dislikes: elephant doodoo, Pennywise the (shudder) 

Dancing Clown.

Bringin’ Sexy to Your Town

Sexy Fred

Fred played basketball in the coop before getting zombi-fied by the competition. A basketball-playing chicken? Why not? He has the legs for it. But he was kicked off the team — no zombies allowed in the fowl leagues — so now he hangs out at the disco, bringing sexy back. 

Likes: the Bee Gees, doin’ the Disco Duck, helping short chickens with stuff on the high shelves at the store. 

Dislikes: Justin Timberlake (stole the sexy idea), last call.

I’m Sexy Fred. Did I mention I was sexaaaaaay?

Queen of Purple. And Buttons.

Purple Bettie Buttons

Purple Bettie is a button collector. She is the illegitimate love child of Red Buttons and Dottie Goldbond, a Vegas showgirl. Bettie's favorite color is purple, so she only collects purple buttons. She likes to fantasize that Prince wrote the song “Purple Rain” about her. 

Favorite movies: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and the Button King documentary.

Favorite animal: cow. 

Dislikes: zippers, cow pies.

Purple Bettie with her friend Elsie.

Happy Birthday, k.d. lang!

I made a zombie chicken for k.d. lang's 50th birthday, coming up Nov. 2. I am taking it to her concert in Dallas this week and plan to get it to her ... somehow.


Words in bold text are song titles from several of her albums.


Pine and Stew

This is the story of how Pine and Stew were zombi-fied.

Pine and Stew had been pulling back the reins on their love life because, for some time, Pine had been led down a trail of broken hearts, and Stew had followed reluctantly, griping all the way. “I don’t want to be a lemming, but you keep dragging me along on a diet of strange places. While you’re busy being blue, I’m stuck, constantly craving my last cigarette, which you won’t let me smoke because you’re trying to hook up with some big-boned gal. I say it’s high time for a detour, so I’m taking the bull by the horns and turning you around, washing you clean and making you drink black coffee until you’ve tuned into my wave.”

When Pine had stopped crying and they both had luck in their eyes again, he and Stew went to a polka party, hoping to hit paydirt with Bopalena and Polly Ann. “Hellooooo, sweet little Cherokees, how about a little hanky panky?”

“Oh, I mustn’t ... I have a boyfriend,” purred Polly Ann. “You don’t want to see Johnny get angry.” Bopalena shrugged off her friend’s hesitation. “Come on, Polly — Johnny is out ridin’ the rails and won’t be back for three days. I think these curious souls want to be led astray.”

And so Pine and Stew waltzed around the dance floor with Bopalena and Polly Ann. Pine whispered to Polly, “I’m so in love!” Polly Ann winked, signaling Bopalena. And that’s when Pine and Stew discovered that their Honky Tonk Angels were really Honky Tonk Zombies.

“Save me!” Pine yelped. “I TOLD you to watch your step during that last polka!” Stew snapped. Bopalena laughed and mocked them. “Tears don’t CARE who cries them!” Then she and Polly Ann promenaded out the door, leaving Pine and Stew with nowhere to stand, once again on that trail of broken hearts.

Under the western stars, Pine and Stew looked at each other, and suddenly knew what they had to do. “Sing it loud, my friend, sing it loud! We’re zombie chickens!”

Hi, I'm Pine. 

And I'm Stew.

British Bunny

Buckie Lou

Buckie has crossed the pond, as they say. She has an Internet romance going with a hobo. She told him her name was Rohnwen — Poppy for short — and that she was raised by hedgehogs. Buckie Lou fears that the hobo will find out the truth — but she can't stop herself from this wicked game. Bloody hell, how will it all end? 

Likes: the royal family, stamp collecting, figgy pudding. 

Dislikes: Cameras, TMZ, web cams.

I.D. Wanted

Amnesia Jones

A.J. was listening to NPR when the limo driver careened off the highway, trying to avoid the mob of zombies staggering his way. When A.J. woke up in Mercy Hospital, there was no recollection of a previous history, such as name, address, family, or even what sex he/she was. The only link to the past was an NPR button. A.J. would like Cagney and Lacey to come out of retirement and solve this puzzle. 

Likes: hospital pudding. 

Dislikes: hospital meatloaf.

Do you know me?

Have banjo, will play

Banjo Bob

Bob used to be a measuring tape salesman, but his dream has always been to pick his banjo on stage. His fantasy was realized when he met Roy Clark, closet zombie, backstage at the Ryman. Banjo Bob now is lined up to be Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers’ opening act in Branson. 

Likes: riding on the tour bus with a banjo on his knee. 

Dislikes: “Classical Banjo.” Who are they trying to kid?

Pickin’ and grinnin’

Boo!

and I'm getting sick of dust bunnies
Clean this place up, you $%#@!&* slob!

We're OUT

Bridezilla Diva Jane

Diva Jane, otherwise known as Hannah, was zombi-fied on a recent excursion to Las Vegas. The exotic male dancers dressed as New Orleans Saints football players turned out to be zombie chickens in disguise. Boy, does she have a surprise in store for her new groom on their wedding night. 

Likes: water skiing and hot guys with stubble beards. Dislikes: police drug raids at bachelorette parties and people with the inability to accessorize.

Aaron the Well-Groomed

Aaron was typical average dude with an international finance degree, planning a wedding to the love of his life. Everything was fine until the honeymoon, when he was zombi-fied by his new bride. But he is so goofy for her that he was happy to drink the kool-aid. Soon there will be baby zombie chicklits hopping around. 

Likes: big brown dogs and blowing up neighborhoods with fireworks. Dislikes: when little kids peek under his loincloth.

Punk Rocks!!!!!

Blitzkrieg Johnny

Johnny is into punk rock, Reaganomics and kosher salami. He is often intense. In order to relax, sometimes his psychotherapist encourages him to go commando. Johnny was rockin’ away on the beach when Phil Spector snuck up from behind and zombi-fied him. In the process, his Mosrite guitar was turned into something made in China. “If I ever get ahold of that pansy-ass Phil Spector, I’ll replace his wig with a cement block! Hey ho, let’s go to the ocean, Phil!” 

Likes: the Yankees, George Dubya, cream puffs. 

Dislikes: having to grow up, opera, f#@!*ng liberals.

Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!

Bios Wanted

These bums just showed up. 
No names, no stories. They are claiming amnesia.


So it's up to you to give them a story. If I like it, I’ll keep it. If not, I might get around to writing them a bio. Someday. Come on, this is your chance for glory. Write something!!!!!

Hen in the House

Maimee Henhouse

Maimee is a cabaret singer. One night at the Tokacannabis Lounge, 

a herd of crazed zombie chickens showed up. They ordered her to 

hand over the cannabis and she said, “No, No, No.” So now she’s 

zombi-fied – but still rockin’.

Likes: hairspray and boys who bring their own weed. 

Dislikes: Madame Tassaud’s Wax Museum and Kanye West. We’re all 

with ya on the Kanye West dislike, Maimee.

Hi. I'm Maimee Henhouse. Shut the *&!#@% up.

Peek-a-boo!

We can't show our whole bodies yet. Not until late September. Just in case somebody sees us who isn't supposed to see us. They probably won't see us. Or if they see us they won't know we are going to live with them. In another state. Probably. Maybe.

I've Moved

     Hi. I'm Jack 'n the Dots.

Please make a note of my new address:


Todd & Katie's place
Baby Jack's nursery
Between All Saints and Mt. Vernon Prez
Wichita, America